Halloween Candy, Ranked

Europe may have an unfair amount of Christmas charm, but the US does Halloween right. Even though I don’t live in the US anymore, October remains my favorite month with a lot of fond memories. For children, its magic is just as intense as the winter season, with the decision of What to Be for Halloween one of the most important of the year. 

Even for the more squeamish of children (aka the the Big Scared Babies) who cry at the sight of a dark-colored movie poster, every kid likes trick-or-treating. Hell, I’ve considered going as a sheet ghost as an adult, since I’m apparently shorter than a lot of 6th graders, but I have slightly more tact than that.

Sometimes, though, the ideas our neighbors have about what type of candy is good or even what constitutes candy in general is a little suspect. Beggars can’t be choosers and all, but cartons of raisins? That is some true devil’s handmaid shit right there. Raisins have got to be more expensive than Skittles, so what are you even doing. My parents always get bags of Milky Ways, Snickers, 3 Musketeers, and Reese’s…you know, the good stuff. And then they have to go get more, because my dad and I ate them all before Halloween. Hmm, actually, maybe that has something to do with it….

I’ve decided to rank some of the most common varieties of Halloween candy in the US. Since I’m not there, I think I’m allowed a little nostalgia.

36. Raisins

I know it’s kind of a cliché at this point, but raisins can go straight back to the hell from whence they came.

35.  Bottle Caps

A candy that always surprises people by continuing to be made, Bottle Caps can be found in the bag of assorted chalk candy that only the cheapest of misanthropes buy. They are bottom-shelf candy; the candy equivalent of a warm 40. Only when the rest of the candy is long gone and a child has gone hours–HOURS–without a sugar fix will they consider this dusty-ass excuse for a treat. 

For those of you who are blissfully ignorant of these awful things: Bottle Caps are soda-flavored disks of drywall. One Halloween when I was a kid, we got a ton of these for some reason, and they sat on the top of the fridge for YEARS. 

34.  Laffy Taffy

They’re TOO chewy. Also, I swear to god they make 95% of them grape or banana. In the 21ST CENTURY. WHY.

33.  Hard Candies

I love a Werther’s Original as much as the next person, but Halloween is for gorging. That assorted bag of hard candies should stay in Grandma’s purse where it belongs!

32.  Tootsie Rolls

“Chocolate-flavored”? What is this, The Great War? We have real chocolate now.

31.  Mounds

Mounds–coconut shreds in goo covered in dark chocolate–were invented when the Hershey Company took a look at their least-successful candy bar, Almond Joy, and said to themselves: “We can do worse, fellas.”

30. Whoppers

What is the deal with malt? I just googled that question and apparently it’s supposed to be healthy? I guess that explains a lot about why Whoppers are so crappy. 

29.  Twizzlers

Why are they so hard? It’s like trying to eat a vaguely fruit-flavored vinyl pool chair.

28.  Almond Joy

Why does Hershey’s keep INSISTING on Almond Joys? I have never met anyone who actively likes them, nor do I want to.

27.  Crunch

While crispy rice in chocolate is, in theory, a good combo, the Crunch bar is Tootsie Roll-esque in its alleged use of “chocolate”.

26. Jolly Ranchers

I already said I don’t like hard candies for Halloween, but Jolly Ranchers are a different category from the others. They just work better in a Halloween candy haul. Maybe it’s because they absolutely revel in their artificiality, from their confrontationally fake flavors to their tacky Vegas-style neon colors. They’re practically spitting in the face of God, which–as joyless fuddy-duddy religious types will tell you–is the point of the holiday.

25.  Plain M&M’s

This may be an unpopular opinion, but unless they’re nestled in a warm cookie, plain M&M’s kind of suck. I’ve also never forgiven them for that stupid ass thing in The Wedding Planner where Dorky McDorkface (I didn’t even remember he was played by Matthew McConaughey so I definitely don’t remember the character’s name) only eats brown M&M’s because they’re “healthier” since they have less dye, and hopefully I don’t have to explain how brain-leaking-out-of-your-nose-ingly stupid this is. But that movie came out when I was in middle school and all the dumb, impressionable middle school girls were like, “OMG YOU GUUUuuuyyyys I only eat the ~*~*bRoWn*~*~ m&m’s!!!” in their AIM profiles. I, of course, was ~not like the other girls~ and had Lifehouse lyrics in my profile. Yes, the early 2000s were indeed a dark, dark time. 

24.  Milk Duds

via GIPHY

They’re too chewy, but they ARE chocolate and caramel, so they have that going for them. Also, Milk Dud is 100% Milhouse van Houten’s Soundcloud rapper name.

23. Candy Corn

Candy Corn has a bad reputation, and for good reason, but I like to toss a few down every once in a while. In fact, I probably like Candy Corn more than I like real corn, because I don’t like real corn. Yeah, I’m just gonna casually drop that bomb right here and move along quickly, like someone farting in an elevator.

22.  Smarties

American Smarties, not to be confused with UK Smarties, which are similar to M&M’s, are one of those terrible chalk-like candies that continue to exist. And yet…I kinda like them. I suppose nostalgia is the entire reason this Dickensian orphan of a candy genre is still around.

21.  Peanut M&M’s

They are an improvement on regular M&M’s, but they still lag behind the less common, but superior versions (every other variety, basically).

20.  Nerds

I actually used to really like Nerds as a kid. Now, I just like one nerd (cue my boyfriend looking offended). Seriously, though, Nerds don’t make any damn sense, but it’s best to not ask the “how” and “why” and instead just “enjoy”.

19. Sweet Tarts

Possibly the best of the chalk candy genre, but that’s not saying a lot.

18. Mr. Goodbar

It’s basically a Hershey’s with peanuts, but ol’ Hersh was apparently not happy about it, because it’s somehow worse than a regular bar.

17.  Hershey’s Bar

The proper use of a Hershey’s bar is s’mores, but the little ones are okay to eat on their own, I guess.

16.  Snickers

Some people may find this to be a criminally low ranking for Snickers, but they are one of my least favorite of the classic candy bars. Even for a candy bar, they’re way too sweet.

15.  Dots

I actually like Dots. I think people have bad experiences with them because they’ve only had gross old stale ones from the movie theater for $10.

14.  Starbursts

Reliable Starbursts. Chewy, but not too chewy, and no grape or banana in sight. Still, the red and pink flavors are obviously far superior to both yellow and orange.

13.  3 Musketeers

At this point, we’re getting to the candies I really like. 3 Musketeers may not be that interesting to a lot of people, but I’ve always liked nibbling the chocolate off of the fluffy nougat interior.

12.  KitKat

They’re pretty good. The best KitKats aren’t the original ones, but that’s what you get for Halloween.

11.  Baby Ruth

They’re not that different from Snickers, but somehow they’re way better. I SAID IT AND I’M NOT ASHAMED!!!

10.  Milky Way

I like Milky Ways quite a bit. I’m probably committing some kind of crime against good taste by liking them more than the sophisticated bars (aka candy bars with peanuts), but whatever. Milky Ways have such a soft and caramel-y interior! Also, I like nibbling the chocolate off the sides like I do with 3 Musketeers.

9. Skittles

I would always be DELIGHTED to see some little red packages of Skittles in my pillowcase at the end of a successful Halloween night of grifting for candy.

8. Swedish Fish

Apparently kids these days get Swedish Fish and Sour Patch kids in their Halloween mixes, but we didn’t get them back in my day. Which is sad, because I love them. But not that sad, because now I can buy my own. But not in Morocco, because they don’t have them here. But I probably don’t need to be eating a bunch of candy anyway…so… :( 

7.  Rolos

I’ve always liked Rolos the most out of the chocolate and caramel candies. They have a good chocolate-to-caramel ratio and they’re soft, unlike a certain MILK DUD.

6.  Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme

Why are these so good? They shouldn’t be, and yet, they are.

5. Peppermint Patty

Yes, I was that mint and chocolate kid, and I still am. See: My ranking of Ritter Sports.

4.  Butterfingers

Crispy, flaky, peanut buttery. All the best things.

3. Twix

One Halloween I got a TON of Twix, but I didn’t remember they were amazing so I didn’t eat any of them until I ran out of the other candies. Then, when I finally opened one up and discovered they were bomb af, I was glad I’d saved them and still had like 30 of them left.

2.  Sour Patch Kids

Oh, how I would have loved to get Sour Patch Kids in my Halloween haul. But, all we can do as an older generation is try to make things a little better for the younger ones and make SPKs a Halloween staple.

1.  Reese’s

Anyone who says Reese’s isn’t the best Halloween candy is a liar. They’re probably that kid going trick-or-treating without a costume. And not because he doesn’t have one, but just because he decided he’d rather wear a smug, shit-eating grin.

There you have it: my—dare I say—definitive ranking of Halloween candy varieties. Which one is your favorite?

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