21 Ritter Sport Chocolate Bars, Ranked

blogrankings

Jun 11

Written By Louise

Ritter Sport–a German chocolate bar, for those unaware–has a special place in my heart. Maybe literally, because that shit is NOT good for you. But, still, I often have a couple of Ritters in the cabinet for days I want something sweet. I used to have a major sweet tooth, but as I’ve gotten older I seem to have settled pretty firmly into the savory food camp. It’s kind of wild to me that cinnamon roll french toast would have been an amazing breakfast to me at one point, when now I’m like, who gives a crap about the pancake list, GIMME DAT BENNY. (Hollandaise occupies a place in my heart next to Ritter Sport.)

Also–and this may be a bit offensive–I’ve never been much of a chocolate person. I like chocolate, but it’s not my favorite part of dessert. Chocolate ice cream? HELL no, mint choc chip exists, people. Although, I must admit I do fit the stereotype of woman-on-period-NEEDS-chocolate. That’s actually one of my main PMS symptoms. I know the red tide is a-comin’ when I want a chocolate dessert. TMI? Umm, it’s NATURAL, guys. And natural things are gross. That’s why we process our food into little squares in colorful packages.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons that I keep coming back for more Ritter Sport: the tidy square packaging with appealing jewel tones. Or maybe it’s the BUTTER BISCUIT. Whatever it is, Ritter Sport is easily one of my favorite chocolate bar brands out there.

The problem with me ranking Ritter Sports that is bound to be controversial is that I don’t like dark chocolate. I know, I know…what am I, a child?! But I am just not a huge chocolate person. It’s weird because I like every other bitter food known to man: coffee, Campari, arugula, cabbage?, goddamn grapefruit (my favorite fruit!!). But chocolate? I just feel like it should be comforting, not challenging, so I like it on the sweet and creamy side.

21. Raisin and Hazelnut (Trauben Nuss)

Who is the fiendish demon who decided raisins belong in chocolate? Is it Satan himself? If you’ve seen my ranking of Trader Joe’s Jelly Bean flavors, then you know I hate grape candy, and this apparently extends to raisins. Raisins are THE WORST. I’m not anti-grape or anything; like everyone else, I too enjoy stuffing handfuls of grapes in my mouth and guzzling down rosé on a balcony, but raisins can kindly roll back under the filthy car seat of Hell from whence they came.

I haven’t tried the rum raisin flavor, but I think I can safely assume that I will not like it any better. If you want to insist that it’s so good and I should try it, please read my scathing review of raisins above once more for my response.

20. Winter Edition White Cinnamon Crisp (Weisse Zimt Crisp)

I had high hopes for this one, as I love cinnamon desserts and, unlike most people over the age of 12, I like white chocolate. However, Ritter Sport’s white chocolate bars have consistently been a letdown for me, and this one is no different. Perhaps even worse, since it sounds so good! But unfortunately, not only was the taste meh, but the texture was weird and chalky.

The Winter Edition Ritter Sports always sound SO good, but I have been terribly disappointed in all the ones (3) that I’ve tried. I’m not even going to rank them because they were just sad disappointments. Hopefully this winter though, when we go to Europe over Christmas break, I’ll be able to try some different ones! I’m still hopeful I will get some good Winter Kreations!!

19. White + Crisp (Weiss + Crisp)

I wouldn’t say white chocolate and cornflakes is exactly equivalent to vomiting on the school bus on the way to kindergarten, but close enough.

18. Whole Hazelnuts - White Chocolate (Weisse Voll-Nuss)

I’m just not a fan of Ritter Sport white chocolate. I’d eat this one eventually if it came in a multi-pack, but I wouldn’t feel good about it.

17. Dark Chocolate (Halbbitter)

I know it’s not exactly the most offensive dark chocolate bar out there, but with no nuts or filling to distract me it’s kind of tedious.

16. Marzipan

I think the reason I’ve ranked this so low is out of disappointment more than anything. I really like marzipan and I was hoping this would be a Peppermint Ritter situation where the filling balances so well with the dark chocolate that I like it. Alas, the marzipan filling is kind of bland and doesn’t really stand up to the chocolate.

15. Whole Almonds - Dark Chocolate (Ganze Mandel)

The dark chocolate is okay with nuts in it, but I prefer milk chocolate.

14. Whole Hazelnuts - Dark Chocolate (Dunkle Voll-Nuss)

I like hazelnuts in choco more than almonds in choco.

13. Alpine Milk (Alpenmilch)

This one is Pepsi in the Pepsi Challenge of Ritter Sport plain milk chocolate bars. If you just have a nibble each of Alpine Milk and Fine Milk Chocolate, your mouth might be fooled into thinking Alpine Milk is better. That’s because it’s sweeter, which is initially pleasing, but becomes less so after the first bite. And, just like if you drink a can of Pepsi, if you eat the whole bar of Alpine Milk, you WILL get pregnant diabetes and die.*

*Claims not an accurate reflection of reality.

12. Cornflakes (Knusperflakes)

Milk chocolate with cornflakes is pretty good, but I wouldn’t select it on purpose.

11. Whole Almonds - Milk Chocolate (Ganze Mandel)

Almonds and chocolate aren’t quite as amazing as hazelnuts, but they’re still pretty dang good. My reaction to this RS bar is basically just that gif zooming in on the guy’s face and then he smiles and nods.

10. Whole Hazelnuts - Milk Chocolate (Voll-Nuss)

Hazelnut is probably my favorite of the nut varieties. As the wise folks at Ferrero Rocher and Nutella discovered at the dawn of time, hazelnuts and chocolate are simply where it’s at.

9. Hazelnut Pieces (Nuss-Splitter)

Are you unsettled by whole hazelnuts bulging out of your chocolate bar like a field of lipomas? Then Hazelnut Pieces is for you! Seriously though, I like this one a bit better than Whole Hazelnuts, but they’re both pretty good.

8. Fine Milk Chocolate (Edel-Volmilch)

This is the Coca Cola in the Pepsi Challenge of Ritter Sport plain milk chocolate bars. It’s slightly more sophisticated in flavor rather than depending on love bombing your taste buds with sugar, like the inferior Alpine Milk aka Pepsi. I really think this analogy works and I’m sticking with it!

7. Cappuccino

Serious people probably scoff at sweet milk chocolate with a hint of coffee flavor, but this one goes down easy for me. Plus, it has the same creamy texture as Praline.

6. Praline (Nugat)

Some people don’t like the creamy-textured Ritters and require something with crunch. While I can see where they’re coming from, I must disagree. Because sometimes, even my mouth wants to be lazy, and I don’t feel like gnawing my way through 20 hazelnuts. Praline is the best of both worlds: creamy chocolate that melts at 1 degree above room temperature, and glorious nutty flavor. For some reason it’s called “nugat”* in German, which I assume is “nougat”, but I don’t know why since nougat is trash and this is amazing.

*Apparently “nugat” in Germany is some kind of chocolate hazelnut mousse concoction.

5. Cocoa Wafer (Waffel)

Despite trash-talking wafer chocolates later in this list, I actually love the Ritter Sport wafers I’ve had. The ratio of chocolate to wafer is *chef’s kiss* and it has a great crispy crunch.

4. Hula Hula Coconut Wafer

This limited-edition flavor was seriously bomb. Yes, it’s a bit on the sweet side. Yes, it’s more candy than it is chocolate. But I like that kind of thing, so whatever. Usually I have no problem limiting myself to 4 squares, but this is one I genuinely struggled to control myself around.

I found this beautiful Ritter Sport display at a German (?) store in Portland, OR. I bought a Hula Hula Coconut Wafer and put it in my purse for later. Because it was summer time, it melted approximately .04 seconds later.

3. Yogurt (Joghurt) and Strawberry Yogurt (Erdbeer Joghurt)

I decided to rank these two together because I like them pretty much evenly. I love the contrast of milk choccy and tart yog filling. I can’t say I’m generally big on fruit and chocolate together. I definitely tend to go more for nuts and chocolate. However, I love the strawberry yogurt filling with milk chocolate. Something about the extra tartness of the yogurt really balances out the sweetness.

2. Butter Biscuit (Knusperkeks)

Milk chocolate and biccy. It doesn’t get much better than that. Biscuit and chocolate is out here just embarrassing its poor cousin, wafer and chocolate. Yeah, you heard me, KitKat: ya BASIC! Just kidding, KitKat has some legit flavors. There was a limited edition speculoos one that I screamed over. But this is butter biscuit’s time to shine! It is definitely the best RS for dunking in tea.

1. Peppermint (Pfefferminz)

Where the Marzipan variety fails, Peppermint succeeds in the balance between chocolate and filling. And you know they’ve really gotten in right when I love it so much even though it’s dark chocolate! I’m also a big fan of mint and chocolate, though. I was that weird kid picking out Peppermint Patties as a treat.

Scene: I’m a kid in the 90s and it’s Friday night. We have a VHS rental of The Fugitive and my dad hands me a Peppermint Patty. LIFE DOESN’T GET BETTER THAN THIS!!!

But it does!

Present scene: I’m an international school teacher living abroad with the love of my life (who happens to be ridiculously good-looking). He has un film francais an episode of The Simpsons ready for us to watch and Peppermint Ritter Sport is on sale at Carrefour. LIVING THE DREAM!!

More accurate present scene but not so fun: I’m stuck in the bedroom with covid and can hear my boyfriend out in the Beyond Lands making coffee. I message him to bring me a coffee too and a side of choco. A good half an hour later he shows up with a coffee and a Peppermint Ritter Sport.

There you have it: my bold and probably unwarranted opinions on Ritter Sport bars.

Did I leave out your favorite flavor? Be sure to berate me in the comments! Just kidding…don’t do that. Just angry-eat a Ritter Sport until you feel better

Did I rank your favorite flavor last? Call the Vatican. You need an exorcism.